a thought or two about why I fail (591 words of a brain dump)

So, recently I’ve been beating myself up about my procrastination of this custom design project I’ve been working on (and probably should have been done at the end of summer)

What is it about scrapbooking that I’m avoiding?

I can’t truly say it is the act in and of itself.  It is my self imposed expectations of what my end result must live up to.  Don’t know if that makes a lick of sense, but I’m really just working this out as I type.  I LOVE (to the point of tears) the act of putting photos down on paper, coordinating with pretty papers…pretty colors…complimentary.  beauty and balance are seen in the finished result.  I find that in my position of “scrapbooker to others” I fall into an imobility to actually produce out of FEAR of not producing something good enough.  I have all these expectations of what my finished result needs to be to justify my fee.

IT isn’t until this very moment that I”ve actually put these thoughts down on paper.  I assign my work a value by putting a price on my time.  I am afraid of not living up to that price tag.  I struggle with my worthiness every minute of every day.  WOW!  Isn’t it amazing that we can simply have this realization and in that simplicity, we can also DECIDE that we are worthy…and live AS IF we are worthy.  Who decides my value?  Who puts a price tag on it?  I do.  I can decide that I am worth it and live AS IF I am worth it.  Will this decision manifest itself in a life rich with doing what I find an absolute passion for?  YES!  and that is the beauty and the struggle with it.

How will I live a life full of following my passion and steer away from feeling GUILTY for living it?  How can I say I spend my day sitting and creating in my studio and I make a LIVING out of doing so and NOT feel GUILT???!!!!  Isn’t that the primal desire of each and every one of us?  And I have the privilege of living it!  I do feel guilty..A.”pinch me, is it real” sort of amazement that THIS  is the life I have fashioned.

I am here because of a blessed chain of events..the path I’ve taken has lead me here and I am truly BLESSED!  That in and of itself may piss a lot of people off!  See, how my fear can halt me?  See how it stops me right in my tracks?  Fear of success is a really scary one to face.  If I succeed, other people will feel malice towards me because of my success.  See how I can stop myself dead in my tracks?  Better to coast along, not soaring at the height of success…because who can hate mediocrity? Who can find fault with it?

WOW!…my instinct in the past would be to keep this private…I’m glad I’ve written it, but really…no one else needs to see this thought process….It has no value to anyone else…well, I’m taking a step out on the ledge and guessing that I am not the only one who has had these internal thought processes….If I can be one person out there who just “BRAIN DUMPS” this out there….and someone reads my words and says “wow, I feel the same way”  “I can relate”  or just “wow…I never thought if it that way before” …..whatever my words bring…I will never know unless I set them free…….

here’s to publishing without looking back….


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